“If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know”

 

“If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know”

In the face of tragedy everyone utters this phrase. You say it to those closest to the tragedy, and you mean it. You mean it to a point. For example, if your wife throws you out, you can crash on my couch, that’s not a problem. But after a couple weeks, it becomes a problem. You have to know where that line is, and stay on the right side of that line. All this is fine to say, but there is no way to know where that line is. Not only does it change from person to person, but it also changes based on the persons mood. 

This is even more noticeable in a prolonged event. My wife was diagnosed with cancer, and was in active treatment literally for years. People rally around you when it happens but as the weeks turn to months y people naturally tend to move on. This is in no way a criticism, its human nature.

So while many people ask how to help, it is an impossible question to answer. If you ask how you can help, I will worry about asking for too much, and putting a strain on the relationship. And as time passes, it becomes harder and harder to ask.  Also, while you always appreciate any help you get, you fear it looks greedy to ask for more. The very last thing you want in this situation is to look ungrateful. I am after all very grateful for the generosity people have shown over the years. It is a powerful motive to just stay quiet.

It is frustrating; I know I could use help in any number of things, but I am not really all that good at delegating to begin with. Even when I can think of a concrete way someone can help, I am too worried about being a burden to ask.  

I bring this up, because a friend passed away earlier this week. Anna was a friend from our cancer support groups. I have been to dinner with her and her family quite a few times. Her husband Ian and I bonded over our mutual situations, and over a genuine love of beer. 

Ian and I are both parents of young children who have had to deal with the stress of having a spouse who has been sick for years. We both have had to re-explain things to our children as they grow up, and develop new fears and concerns regarding their mother’s illness. We both deal with the stress of juggling work and chaotic home life, as well as the hard truth that we will be the ones to outlive our spouses. 

 While I cannot know what he is going through now, I feel I at least have an understanding of the circumstances that brought him here. I do understand how he has anticipated this day for years now, and while I am sure dealing with it is very different than just the anticipation, I feel I should be in about as good of a place as anyone to provide comfort. 

So why can’t I think of anything to say other than asking if there is anything I can do to help? I know it is impossible to fix the situation, but as someone with a similar background there has to be something I can do or say that helps. But that’s not how stage four cancer works. It doesn’t impart wisdom, it takes. It doesn’t build your character or make you stronger or more confident. You don’t get a valuable lesson. It just takes.

And so it has taken Anna. And Ian, my heart breaks for you and your family. I’m writing this because I have found that writing is one of the few things that help me cope with the complex emotions left by cancers wake. I am writing this from my desk at work when I have spare moments. I am weeping quietly, hoping that those around me don’t notice (I’m sure they do, but they are polite enough to pretend they don’t). I’m not sure if I will post this, and even if I do, I don’t know if Ian will ever read it (he has enough on his plate). But if you are reading this Ian, I can’t imagine what you’re feeling, and I know I can’t, but if there is anything I can do to help, please let me know.

Winter

Crap, January is a bleak month!

During December, people smile. I take transit to work every morning, and on the train you see the happy faces of strangers discussing plans for the month. Meals they will eat; surprises they have in store for loved ones. All those smiling faces you see out during the holiday season are now hiding behind scarves as they quietly go to work and come home. It is cold, the days are short, and while people do feel joy and togetherness during December, the stress of getting together also takes its toll. January is basically society’s hangover from the house party that is December, where we long for warmer days, that are months away.

We thought we were getting off easy this year. All signs were pointing to a mild winter, a nice green winter. Now, it will still probably be a mild winter, but it hurt over the course of the weekend when the temperatures went from above 0 to below, turning an annoying (but welcome) January rain into snow. I know I shouldn't complain. Even with the new found snow, it is still much warmer than usual. And I live in Southern Ontario, where it is always much warmer than the rest of the country. But it sucks. I was actually outside in a t-shirt on the weekend. Not for long, mind you (after all, it was raining), but if I needed something from the car, or if I had to take the dog out, I didn't bother donning layers. I just went

.

I felt like I was getting away with something. I felt we had escaped Mother Nature’s wrath for a season. And now with snow, it feels like I got caught with my hand in the cookie jar. And it is so ridiculous that I am writing a blog complaining about the weather. Worse yet, I am a Canadian, living in the Toronto area, complaining about a winter that isn't really that bad to begin with.

Right now I am actually whining about the cold, and it is -9 Celsius outside. Most years I would kill for that kind of weather, but I was spoiled by the first few weeks of winter, and now I am stuck here bitching about a good thing; all because, up until Sunday, I could still see grass. Part of the reason this month is so bleak is the lack of colour (this said by a colour blind man). The colour green vanishes from nature. For a span of a couple months, it is just gone. The sun mostly disappears too; I leave for work before sunrise and the sun sets well before I get home. The days are too short, and even when it is daytime, the sun hides behind the clouds.

Also, the simple act of going outside is a pain in the ass. I recently read ‘The Martian’ by Andy Wier, which is a novel (and now a movie) about an astronaut who gets stuck on Mars. It’s a great book, by the way, but one of the things that comes up often, is how hard it is to leave his ‘space house’, because he has to put on a ‘space suit’. (Seriously the book is a lot more interesting that I am making it sound here). He hates the spacesuit because it takes forever to get on, and it is cumbersome once he does get it on. That is exactly how I feel bundling up for winter weather.

I can foresee the ire that this post may draw from friends and family in other parts of the country. I can see angry Facebook posts coming from Calgary, Winnipeg and Montreal. People saying I don’t know what a real winter is, or that it’s not really cold unless it is -30. All I can say about that is screw that weather. I find people from colder cities take way too much pride in how cold it gets there. You don’t need to tell me about how wimpy my winter is; I believe you. It doesn't make me like the snow anymore.

I think the trick to surviving winter, is to take it one day at a time. Groundhog Day is around the corner. If I can make it until then, I can try and overtake Wiarton, by force if necessary, and I will have to make Wiarton Willie an offer he can’t refuse.

…Yep, my plan is to coerce a rodent into ending a season…

Something tells me I need a new hobby.

Parenting

I’ve always been a ‘hands on’ parent. At least I have always tried to be. It was a goal I set for myself when I found out that I was going to be a father, and I think it is one I have done reasonably well at achieving. What I mean by being a ‘hands on’ parent is that I would not pass off tasks to the mother; I would try and take care of them myself. This was not always possible (obviously), and there are times when I was much better at it than others, but I did my best.

If there is any advice I can give to a new parent, it is do your best. Do not try to be a perfect parent; you will fail for the simple reason that you are not perfect. If you honestly try to do the best you can with the tools you have, I find, it helps your confidence grow as a parent. Parenting is stressful, and the confidence you have in your abilities as a parent can make a world of difference in your ability to raise a child.

When my daughter was born, we bottle fed her. This meant that it did not necessarily have to be my wife to take care of the dreaded midnight feedings. I was up feeding my daughter nightly, and while it was incredibly hard at the time (I was also working full time), I am glad I did it. Parenting is different for a father; we don’t get that 9 month head start that the mother does during the pregnancy. We love our child, but we know (as the mother does) that there is nothing that compares with a mothers bond with her child. For me, it was during those 3 am feedings that my daughter and I really got to bond with each other.  That’s where I felt I really became a parent. I would have been so easy to nudge my wife and ask her to take care of the crying baby (and that definitely did happen at times) but I made a conscious effort to get out of bed and deal with it myself.  I am glad I did.

I would not say it gets harder as the child grows up, but the challenges do change over time. My problem now, is that I feel less equipped to handle a kid than I was to handle a baby. With a baby you really just need to be there, and be willing to get your hands a dirty (baby’s may be cute, but the mess that comes out of them is incredible). I can do that. My kid is 8 years old now, and I am just not as good at dealing with a kid then I was with a baby. I do my best, but I tend to get frustrated to easily, and that is less fun for everybody. With an eight year old, you need to deal with your kid’s friends and their parents. I don’t want my kids friends to think I am a dork, but I don’t really know how to deal with children, so I’m pretty sure that’s how I come off (or at least that’s how I will come off once my daughter and her friends realize that most adults are dorks).

I don’t think I am a bad parent. I do struggle with a difficult situation, but I am doing the best I can. . I do think I get frustrated to quickly, but I am working on that. My problem is that I think I was a lot better at taking care of a baby, than I am a kid. The job just seemed more straightforward. If they cry, they either need to be changed, fed or held. By just being there, you are most of the way there. A kid has needs that are harder to understand. For example, my daughter has always liked carrots, but just yesterday she decided she no longer likes them. As a result I am no longer to put carrot sticks in her lunch.  She liked them fine last week, and I have a whole bag of carrots that I was planning on using for lunches, but she changed her mind on them. My problem here is I try to use reason to explain to her that if she liked them last week, then she should still like them this week. Carrots haven’t changed! When reason fails, and it always does in this situation, I get frustrated and an argument ensues.

It’s much harder to be a ‘hands on’ parent, when your daughter is striving for independence. Parenting, like most important things in life, requires confidence.  When my kid was a baby, I had all the confidence in the world, now I worry. I worry that if she has a bad day at school, I might not know how to fix it. I am worried about not having enough time (or not making enough time) to take her to the park. I worry about the elephant in the room.

My wife has Ovarian Cancer, and the prognosis simply is not the best. The doctors seem to think the tumours can return at any time, and each treatment seems harder than the last. We are honest with our daughter, we do not hide the truth from her, although we do sometimes sugar coat it.  Our daughter, to her credit, is a trooper. She understands the bad news, as well as an 8 year old can, and she still sees the bright side of life, in a way that only an 8 year old can. She understands that her parents are honest with her about the darker subjects in life, and she knows that if she has questions she can ask us, or another family member, or someone at school. We have made sure she has an abundance of people to talk to to make sure that she can choose who she will confide in, when she needs to confide in someone. So far, she is as well-adjusted as we could have hoped.

My problem as a parent is simple. I worry. Who wouldn’t? Confidence is a big part of how all of us approach a task, and when my worries affect my confidence, it makes my abilities as a parent seem like a house of cards. This starts a vicious cycle where I feel insecure and frustrated, which make me a lesser parent.  

I am proud of the relationship I have with my daughter. Parenting is hard work, but it is worth it. As a parent however, you cannot rest on your laurels. Being a great parent when my kid was a baby, doesn’t make me a great parent today, it is an ongoing process, and the stakes are higher now, as she will remember what happens today.

And as much as I worry about my parenting today, it is tomorrow that terrifies me. I mentioned before that my wife’s prognosis could be better. We don’t know what the future holds, but there is a real chance that I end up being a single parent. It may not happen for years, but the possibility is real, and as such it is something I need to consider. The thought of being a single parent is petrifies me. I know I have a good relationship with my daughter, I know I can handle the day to day tasks by myself (even if we fight over carrots in her lunch). I also know that I have a wonderful support system in place, and they will help with anything I need. I am not worried about talking to my daughter about boys or puberty or anything like that (although she may not want to talk to her dad about any of that). I don’t live in a cheesy sitcom, those things are a natural part of growing up, and I think if you can’t talk to your child about these things, you probably have a little growing up to do.

Part of what makes me a good parent is the fact that I have my wife to help me. We can discuss parenting decisions. We can work together to come up with the best plan possible. I can think of several occasions where we did things my wife’s way instead of mine, and they turned out for the better. I can think of times where we did things my way, and it worked out great. What I am trying to say, is that I am a better parent with my wife at my side. We complement each other, and are stronger because we have each other. The idea of losing her, aside from the obvious and awful implications, makes my role as a parent significantly harder, and lonelier.  And for a guy who is panicked about not being as strong a parent to his 8 year old as he was to his baby, the idea of parenting getting harder is not something I look forward to.

I don’t mean to sound like a downer, but I thought that it was important to write about some of my insecurities, as a husband and a father. I think that me talking about them now, may help me deal in the future if the worst should happen.

Many of us watch other people put on a brave face, and assume that there is something wrong with us for being insecure.  Nobody wants to admit that they sometimes struggle as a parent, even if all of us do from time to time. I was recently involved in a panel discussion about supporting a loved one with cancer at the YACC survivor conference in Toronto. It was a great experience, and I think all of us took something away from it. One learned in that process is that a great way to overcome your insecurities is to talk about them. When you put yourself out there you sometimes find that others have the same issues, and fears. When others can relate, it makes it a little easier.

 

Love and Happiness

So, anyone who knows Amy and I know that we struggle with organization. Our house is often messy, and occasionally stuff goes missing. The bright side of this is, when things get found, it's kinda like finding a prize. One thing that had been missing for a while and recently turned up was a DVD our wedding photographer made for us. We found it a few weeks ago, and when we did I wanted to watch it, but I was surprised that she didn't. Well she is out of town this weekend and I took the opportunity to watch it. I think I get why she is apprehensive.

It was great to watch the DVD, it was a great reminder of wonderful day. When I think of our wedding, I remember it being fun. A lot of fun. I remember enjoying myself from start to finish, and the pictures more than bear that out. What I loved about watching the pictures of our wedding  is that we are so happy. I'm happy, Amy's happy both sides of our family are happy. There is nothing but joy as the two of us start our lives together.

Watching these pictures now, while I love them, is somewhat bittersweet. We are so  happy and in love. We are still very much  in love, but our lives just are not as happy as they once were. How can they be? My wife is sick, she has metastatic ovarian cancer, and in many ways it has taking over our lives. It is hard looking at the smiling faces, as they look into the future, when you know that the future holds so much heartache.

This year will be out 7th anniversary, and when I look at the young couple in those pictures  it feels like a lifetime ago. I feel like that couple had something that we have lost. That blind happiness just isn't there anymore, and as long as our lives revolve around chemotherapy, radiation , and surgeries, I doubt that such bliss is returning any time soon. I look at my bride in those pictures, and she is radiant, not radioactive, and the tears people in the pictures shed, were tears of joy, something our home does not see very often.

But, we have something those couples don't have. Our relationship has been tested. It might not be pretty, but I can confidently say that we are passing the test. The delirious happiness is no longer there, but who among us can honestly say that they are as happy now as they were on their wedding day. Lives change. Challenges come and those challenges change the way we see the world, and those in our world. What is important for Amy and I is while life has changed, the love is still there. I love my wife. Life may be unfair to her (to us), but the fact that we still have each other, through all that has happened is something that those smiling faces in those pictures can be proud of. We may have lost the tears of joy, but every bit of love in those pictures still exists today. Only this love has been tested, this love had every opportunity to give up when it got scary or hard, but it is still there. Its easy to say you are in love when everything is going your way, I think that young couple would be proud to know their love would  overcome adversity.

YACC blog #6 - Braving the Shaving

This is a link to my latest YACC blog. It's about head shaving and the joys of

http://www.shaveforthebrave.ca/braving-the-shaving-when-your-spouse-has-cancer/

Mr. Goodell Can Ruin the NFL

 

We all know what’s about to happen. It’s pretty easy to piece together what happened in that football game on Sunday, but it’s also pretty hard to prove. And when you are the kind of guy who can spend five months ‘investigating’ an incident of domestic violence without bothering to ask anyone for the most obvious piece of evidence, it’s not hard to conjure up what the Roger Goodell playbook will be.

Yesterday, Bill Belichick and Tom Brady had their say about “Deflate-gate” (I hate that name by the way). I was shocked that I found Belicheck to be more believable than Brady. Maybe Bill Belicheck knew about the balls being deflated, maybe he didn’t, but there is no way this happened without Tom Brady’s input. Tom Brady is trying to sell us on the fact that either 11 of the 12 balls deflated by magic, or some entrepreneurial spirit on the Patriots sideline let some of the air out, to the perfect point without Brady knowing it. How could some ball boy or equipment manager alter the balls, to the exact point that Brady likes it, without Brady saying, ‘Hey, that’s exactly the way I like it’. That’s a big risk for a person on the sideline to take without the QB’s input. There is no way for whoever did it to know they were doing it right without Tom Brady saying it felt right. And what would be the point of taking the air out of the ball (aka cheating) if you were not sure it was being done correctly.

When I first heard of this concern, I, like most, really didn’t think it was a big deal. I mean the Pats won by 38 points. There is no way properly inflated balls would have erased this deficit.  I don’t think that’s the point though. First of all, it’s not that one ball happened to have the wrong air pressure. It turns out almost all of them did. Second of all, in a week after Tom Brady stated with the utmost arrogance, that Baltimore should study the rule book a little better, why cheat?

 I was chatting with a few friends before the game. A question I asked several people was, ‘can you see any scenario where the Colts win on Sunday?’ None of us were confident in the Colts chances. I know weirder things have happened, but it seemed like as close to a sure thing as I have seen in sports since San Francisco played San Diego in the Superbowl.  So… why cheat? Why not give it a go straight up. The only logical reason I can find behind this (and I know, applying logic is my first mistake) is that they probably do this pretty often, so why not do it one more time.  I think that they were sure they would not get caught, because they have done this before enough times without consequence that they felt immune. They were arrogant.

Speaking of arrogant, Roger Goodell and his crack team of investigators are on the case. Roger is in a tough spot here, as he has so little credibility, that he spent a week earlier this month pretending that Mueller Report was a big win for his office, when it really just proved that he ran an incompetent investigation into the Ray Rice domestic violence case, and then lied about it to the public. Roger needs to show the world that he is able to conduct an efficient and competent investigation and then that he can come down hard on the perpetrators.  

Let’s ignore for the time being that this in itself makes him a little biased, and therefore he should not be anywhere near this investigation. Let’s look at the fact that he also needs Tom and Bill for the next week and a half. He will have billions of people tuning in to his flagship event on February 1^st. This matchup between the Seahawks and Patriots is kinda a dream come true. Two great teams, lots of star power! Suspending a future Hall of Fame quarterback for the Superbowl will hurt the product.

So, as mentioned, Roger is in a tough position. If he comes down hard, he will be seen as being to concerned with his image, if he doesn’t he is running another incompetent investigation.  If only there was a way to come down hard on the perpetrators, and not spoil the Superbowl.

Like I said, we can all connect the dots here, the play is obvious. Roger Goodell is going to grill everyone involved, get to the bottom of this and hand out a harsh penalty, but all this will happen after the Superbowl. He will stand up at the podium and lament the fact that there just wasn’t time to complete is investigation before the big game, but never fear, the NFL takes matters of integrity seriously. He will drop the hammer. And being a trend setter, he will do it in a way that is somehow too little too late, and overkill at the same time.

That’s the game plan for Roger, but I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the NFL has a problem, and it’s not going away. They have no credibility. As such, there is no way they can conduct and investigation and level any kind of punishment that will seem fair.  They will push forward, explain their case. They will expect everyone to believe them. When nobody does, they won’t really care. Their decision to keep Roger Goodell in September was an arrogant one, and it will continue to haunt them in situations like this.

The fact that Roger and the NFL remain tone deaf to this if proof that they feel they are too big to fail. Now, however, being tone deaf to the consequences has managed to tarnish the Superbowl. The biggest event in the NFL calendar is under a cloud, all because the NFL cannot get their house in order.  

Do I even like NFL Anymore?

Well, it’s January. It’s cold. The Christmas Joy has dissipated, and we are all settling in for a long winter. Last weekend, like most weekends in January, rather than bare the cold, I watched Football with my father. It is playoff time, and it is a great distraction from the fact that everything is freezing and will remain that way for the next couple months. As we were watching the 4^thcommercial break in the last 10 minutes, my father turned to me and said, “they‘re losing me”.  While I was not at that stage yet, I get what he is saying. It is hard to watch football, and not be inundated by the fact that the egos of the millionaires, and especially the billionaires involved, are milking their product for every possible dime. They feel they are too big to fail. The golden goose will never die. These egos leave us, the casual fans, feeling taken advantage of.

My father would not classify himself as a die-hard NFL fan, but he is a lover of all things sports, and as such he follows the NFL. He is not, and will never be the type to spend hours of his day reading up on the NFL. He will never have a fantasy football team. He won’t get pumped to spend his weekend watching the NFL draft. But during the football season, it is rare for a Sunday to go by without him watching at least a quarter or two of football. I think he is like many in this respect.  

He feels like the games are too long. It is hard to stay in the moment when there is a commercial after a touchdown, than another commercial before the kickoff, and then yet another commercial break after the kickoff.  He is a sports fan who is going to watch the NFL because it is the most entertaining sport in that timeslot. When you start to see the games as a three hour commercial break with some football in between, it gets to be a lot easier to disengage. It did not help that most of the games this weekend were dull, but when a man who has made the game a part of his Sunday’s for the past few decades starts to say ‘they’re losing me’. It’s not two or three bad games that the problem. There is a problem with the product. 

I’ve thought about this quite a bit and I realized I am much less engaged than I used to be. I used to run a silly little pool through my family. I started it this year, but it kinda fizzled half way through the year.  I haven’t asked for picks from anyone in about 2 months now. That would have been unheard of for me 2 or three year ago. Now, I’m OK with it. It’s not that I stopped watching football. I am just really OK with not being as avid a fan as I have in years past. I’m complacent. I watch football on Sundays because that’s what I’ve always done on Sundays, but that’s all. 

And then the ‘independent’ report came out on the Ray Rice debacle.  This whole scenario has me baffled, and the ‘independent’ report is no different. When you hear NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell talk about it, he sounds pretty satisfied about a report. Which is good for him, I guess.  But this man, while facing raging criticism completely botching the discipline of a player who so obviously and publicly beat his wife unconscious, told reporters that he asked the police for the video evidence from the elevator where the beating occurred. This report, which was done ‘independently’, by the law firm that represented the NFL in the negotiation of a multi-billion dollar TV deal, says that neither Goodell, nor anyone else from the NFL offices asked for the tapes from either from the police or from Ray Rice’s attorney. 

 So to summarize, even the ‘independent’ investigator the NFL hand picked out of a law firm deep in NFL’s pockets could not spin this in a way that show the NFL did not royally screw the pooch. Goodell is of course putting his own spin on it saying in essence ‘I told you never saw the video’, but he seems really proud of himself for a man who is basically saying he put his head in the sand rather than actually ask for pertinent evidence in a very emotionally charged case. Explain how this man, who is clearly not capable of doing is job, still has his job.

What blows my mind in all this though is how we got here. I get Goodell using every form of spin imaginable to cover his ass. He knows he screwed up; it’s all damage control from here. I don’t get why he screwed up in the first place. Why did he cover for Ray Rice? As callous as it sounds, I would understand the motive if the NFL tried to cover for a superstar in the league. The kind of player the league bases its marketing campaigns around, who carries the league.  If say Michael Jordan, in his prime did something this stupid, I would understand the NBA’s motive to sweep it under the rug. I would NOT agree with it, and would be calling for the head of whatever commissioner led that charge, but at least I would understand the motive. In this fictional scenario, the motive is greed. But here, Ray Rice was an aging running back, who might have a pro-bowl season left in him, but I doubt it. He was a star, and his name carried weight, especially in Baltimore.  But this guy was just another big name, in a league full of big names. The league itself is no different with him in or out of a line-up. I don’t understand what motive the NFL has for thinking they could sweep this under the rug. The only answer I can come up with is that they didn’t care. They feel they are too big to fail.

This brings me back to watching football with my dad this weekend.  This was before the ‘independent’ report was released, so Ray Rice was not really fresh in our minds. But still, my father, who has been a football fan for as long as I can remember, just isn’t that into it anymore. The broadcast is a blatant cash grab, and that is just getting less and less entertaining. Watching the health problems of the stars he grew up cheering for does not help either. Watching Goodell obviously lie through his teeth and hope we won’t notice, is, quite frankly, insulting.  It is all part of a bigger picture, a bleak picture that has him wondering why he is wasting his time on these people, and their product.

The problem is the NFL does their spin, and they hope we believe it, but if we don’t, they don’t really care. They think that people will tune in on Sundays like they always have. Maybe they will (despite everything I have written here, I’ll probably be watching this weekend), but nothing is too big to fail. The Roman Empire wasn’t, neither was GM. If fans like my father are getting tired of the league. If it is becoming more work than its worth for him, and fans like him, then maybe the NFL should be taking notice. Maybe they should take a long look at their product, and how it’s being perceived, because if those casual fans leave, they are never coming back. And the NFL will be one step closer to killing the golden goose.