Parenting

I’ve always been a ‘hands on’ parent. At least I have always tried to be. It was a goal I set for myself when I found out that I was going to be a father, and I think it is one I have done reasonably well at achieving. What I mean by being a ‘hands on’ parent is that I would not pass off tasks to the mother; I would try and take care of them myself. This was not always possible (obviously), and there are times when I was much better at it than others, but I did my best.

If there is any advice I can give to a new parent, it is do your best. Do not try to be a perfect parent; you will fail for the simple reason that you are not perfect. If you honestly try to do the best you can with the tools you have, I find, it helps your confidence grow as a parent. Parenting is stressful, and the confidence you have in your abilities as a parent can make a world of difference in your ability to raise a child.

When my daughter was born, we bottle fed her. This meant that it did not necessarily have to be my wife to take care of the dreaded midnight feedings. I was up feeding my daughter nightly, and while it was incredibly hard at the time (I was also working full time), I am glad I did it. Parenting is different for a father; we don’t get that 9 month head start that the mother does during the pregnancy. We love our child, but we know (as the mother does) that there is nothing that compares with a mothers bond with her child. For me, it was during those 3 am feedings that my daughter and I really got to bond with each other.  That’s where I felt I really became a parent. I would have been so easy to nudge my wife and ask her to take care of the crying baby (and that definitely did happen at times) but I made a conscious effort to get out of bed and deal with it myself.  I am glad I did.

I would not say it gets harder as the child grows up, but the challenges do change over time. My problem now, is that I feel less equipped to handle a kid than I was to handle a baby. With a baby you really just need to be there, and be willing to get your hands a dirty (baby’s may be cute, but the mess that comes out of them is incredible). I can do that. My kid is 8 years old now, and I am just not as good at dealing with a kid then I was with a baby. I do my best, but I tend to get frustrated to easily, and that is less fun for everybody. With an eight year old, you need to deal with your kid’s friends and their parents. I don’t want my kids friends to think I am a dork, but I don’t really know how to deal with children, so I’m pretty sure that’s how I come off (or at least that’s how I will come off once my daughter and her friends realize that most adults are dorks).

I don’t think I am a bad parent. I do struggle with a difficult situation, but I am doing the best I can. . I do think I get frustrated to quickly, but I am working on that. My problem is that I think I was a lot better at taking care of a baby, than I am a kid. The job just seemed more straightforward. If they cry, they either need to be changed, fed or held. By just being there, you are most of the way there. A kid has needs that are harder to understand. For example, my daughter has always liked carrots, but just yesterday she decided she no longer likes them. As a result I am no longer to put carrot sticks in her lunch.  She liked them fine last week, and I have a whole bag of carrots that I was planning on using for lunches, but she changed her mind on them. My problem here is I try to use reason to explain to her that if she liked them last week, then she should still like them this week. Carrots haven’t changed! When reason fails, and it always does in this situation, I get frustrated and an argument ensues.

It’s much harder to be a ‘hands on’ parent, when your daughter is striving for independence. Parenting, like most important things in life, requires confidence.  When my kid was a baby, I had all the confidence in the world, now I worry. I worry that if she has a bad day at school, I might not know how to fix it. I am worried about not having enough time (or not making enough time) to take her to the park. I worry about the elephant in the room.

My wife has Ovarian Cancer, and the prognosis simply is not the best. The doctors seem to think the tumours can return at any time, and each treatment seems harder than the last. We are honest with our daughter, we do not hide the truth from her, although we do sometimes sugar coat it.  Our daughter, to her credit, is a trooper. She understands the bad news, as well as an 8 year old can, and she still sees the bright side of life, in a way that only an 8 year old can. She understands that her parents are honest with her about the darker subjects in life, and she knows that if she has questions she can ask us, or another family member, or someone at school. We have made sure she has an abundance of people to talk to to make sure that she can choose who she will confide in, when she needs to confide in someone. So far, she is as well-adjusted as we could have hoped.

My problem as a parent is simple. I worry. Who wouldn’t? Confidence is a big part of how all of us approach a task, and when my worries affect my confidence, it makes my abilities as a parent seem like a house of cards. This starts a vicious cycle where I feel insecure and frustrated, which make me a lesser parent.  

I am proud of the relationship I have with my daughter. Parenting is hard work, but it is worth it. As a parent however, you cannot rest on your laurels. Being a great parent when my kid was a baby, doesn’t make me a great parent today, it is an ongoing process, and the stakes are higher now, as she will remember what happens today.

And as much as I worry about my parenting today, it is tomorrow that terrifies me. I mentioned before that my wife’s prognosis could be better. We don’t know what the future holds, but there is a real chance that I end up being a single parent. It may not happen for years, but the possibility is real, and as such it is something I need to consider. The thought of being a single parent is petrifies me. I know I have a good relationship with my daughter, I know I can handle the day to day tasks by myself (even if we fight over carrots in her lunch). I also know that I have a wonderful support system in place, and they will help with anything I need. I am not worried about talking to my daughter about boys or puberty or anything like that (although she may not want to talk to her dad about any of that). I don’t live in a cheesy sitcom, those things are a natural part of growing up, and I think if you can’t talk to your child about these things, you probably have a little growing up to do.

Part of what makes me a good parent is the fact that I have my wife to help me. We can discuss parenting decisions. We can work together to come up with the best plan possible. I can think of several occasions where we did things my wife’s way instead of mine, and they turned out for the better. I can think of times where we did things my way, and it worked out great. What I am trying to say, is that I am a better parent with my wife at my side. We complement each other, and are stronger because we have each other. The idea of losing her, aside from the obvious and awful implications, makes my role as a parent significantly harder, and lonelier.  And for a guy who is panicked about not being as strong a parent to his 8 year old as he was to his baby, the idea of parenting getting harder is not something I look forward to.

I don’t mean to sound like a downer, but I thought that it was important to write about some of my insecurities, as a husband and a father. I think that me talking about them now, may help me deal in the future if the worst should happen.

Many of us watch other people put on a brave face, and assume that there is something wrong with us for being insecure.  Nobody wants to admit that they sometimes struggle as a parent, even if all of us do from time to time. I was recently involved in a panel discussion about supporting a loved one with cancer at the YACC survivor conference in Toronto. It was a great experience, and I think all of us took something away from it. One learned in that process is that a great way to overcome your insecurities is to talk about them. When you put yourself out there you sometimes find that others have the same issues, and fears. When others can relate, it makes it a little easier.